" A conversion
" A falling deeply
" I realised that
Although I have always had a life of prayer since I was a tiny child, my life as a Christian was dormant for many years. I became a Catholic in 1967 but it was very much a 'head conversion', not a conversion of the heart. The longest journey in the world still had to be made – from head to heart.
In the 1980’s my life was settled and very fulfilled. I had a wonderful family and a thriving teaching career, which I loved and found very stimulating and joyful. Despite all this I felt that something was dying within me. There was a sense of anguish, of inner grieving, which I couldn't understand. The 'outer' me was very much alive and all the things which make up the powerful ego, such as status, reputation, ambition and desire for power and control were in fact thriving and, to a certain extent, influenced my life. Of course I wanted to be kind and loving, but on thinking back a lot of my giving was conditional and, being nearly always to my advantage, cost me nothing.
This feeling, that the very core and essence of myself was somehow dying, was so insistent that I remember one evening I went out into the garden to pray. I prayed terribly hard but the problem was that I didn’t know what I was praying for. It seemed to be something beyond my mind. I felt that I was hanging onto a cliff edge by my finger nails and, that if I let go, I would lose the unknown one thing that the ground of my being was praying for. The nearest thing I could think of was begging for life.
After this things went on as usual and I didn't really think any more about it. However about three months later I went to see a homeopathic doctor to talk about energy levels. It is said that people use only ten per cent of their potential and I wanted to explore how we can tap into other sources of energy. The conversation turned to meditation and although I mentioned that I was not remotely interested in this she gave me a book to read which was in fact all about meditation.
As so often happens, the book got left by my bedside unread but after a couple of weeks I began to read it, and by the end I experienced a conversion which turned me upside down – a plunging head over heels into something elemental, beyond time and space. It was an experience of an overwhelming and consuming love. Perhaps it was something to do with the realization of God birthed in the soul - a falling deeply and eternally into love. I felt almost annihilated by all this and realized that my life was to be forever changed.